Ruthenium
by leaflett
Summary: Souji; oneshot ― You hide behind your enthralling expression once more, and continue to smile that perfect lie.


Made for a badbadbathhouse fill, as well as for the 2nd POV challenge from Infantrum (Indonesian Fanfiction Author Forum).l

Anyway, enjoy!

Disclaimer: Persona 4 isn't mine, it's Atlus'.

* * *

You are supposed to be nice. To be of saintly understanding, to be of enthralling expression, to be of heroic courage, to be of rock solid diligence, to be of sagely knowledge. You have―no, must to. Since, if you're not, then you're not the Souji Seta everyone knows and loves. Not yourself, they will proclaim so. Not the perfect Souji Seta, who is always able to do anything and everything at ease.

Little do they know, of what you have to do, to be all of that. They don't know how disgusting it is to eat strange things that are created out of nowhere from the Doujima's refrigerator. They don't know how boring it gets, to fold all those envelopes and paper cranes and translating texts all day while only getting a meagre daily pay. They don't know how frustrating it can get, studying all day and cramming all those stuff Morooka and Kashiwagi and who-knows-who spew out to you.

They do not know. They will never know. And they must not know. Since you are perfect, in their minds, and you are content knowing that they regard you that way. All your hard work are paid off, and you can't be happier.

―that's what you used to think.

---

You meet him when you're asking for inquiries regarding Kanji Tatsumi's kidnapping. There's something about him that interests you. You don't know what exactly it is, but you cannot shake it off easily. Like he's hiding something, and the persona he's showing around isn't the real he. Just like you. You are intrigued.

But you decide to put it aside. You have to save Kanji, it's what you're supposed to do, your first and utmost priority. After all, you're the perfect leader, who must know what to prioritise. And it's Kanji Tatsumi's safety, not your personal interest on a certain pint-sized detective.

---

You witness their shadow, their _'true'_ self. You see and hear the things they bury deep down inside, not letting anyone to know. Ugly, you know; and that's probably why they are devastated to learn that they're all out to the public, horrified to see that those buried thoughts formed what can be seen as, literally, monsters.

Even uglier.

And they become more hideous, knowing that you have to risk your life fighting them, for the sake of people you barely know. But it's what you have to do, your responsibility―although you never asked for that in the first place. Still, your saintly understanding tells you that everything's understandable, everyone has a dark side they hide from common sight. Including you, yes―you. You hide the fact that you are far from perfect and not the Souji Seta everyone knows and loves and admires and looks up to. Your saintly understanding whispers to you, saying that you should be able to put yourself in their shoes, grateful for the fact that your shadow doesn't go against you―_yet_. And your heroic courage demands a fight. A good fight.

You do as you're told.

---

Next up: Naoto Shirogane.

You don't understand how human mind works. It's your saintly understanding and sagely knowledge that know―not you. You don't know why he puts himself in harm's way only to prove that the case isn't over. What you know is that you have to venture into the shadow world once more, rescue him, get to know whatever fear he might be holding inside.

Then an idea pops into your mind―you might've got a chance to establish a social link with him. And know him better. And learn why he intrigues you so much. But at the back of your head, your saintly understanding screams that it's not the right thing to do. You are building relationships to help them, including him. It is never for you, the personae and bonuses are just little additions, a reward for your best efforts. They are never the main motive, it tells you.

Still, you entertained that idea.

Your saintly understanding screams harder.

And Kanji Tatsumi also screams harder, demanding you to go and save him immediately.

---

Look, someone appears on the TV and becomes a major attention! Hey, then that particular someone appears on the Midnight Channel! Then he/she might be the next victim! Snap! It's true! You and your team have to save him/her! Let him/her face her shadow, which your friends and you will beat the heck out of it! Then it becomes a persona! Yay, a new team member―get!

It's becoming a monotonous pattern, that sometimes you wish that you can just snap and demand them not to blurt out the you-are-not-me thing. But no, you can't. Your sagely knowledge won't let you to, they are supposed to accept their shadow and move on with life. Be a better person, as it says. And help you, it adds.

Inside your mind, your rock solid diligence soothes you, telling you that it all will be over soon, it's just another task that you have to do. Because you are the leader. Because you are Souji Seta.

You nod.

---

He is a she. You don't know what to believe anymore, not even your sagely knowledge and saintly understanding, which have been making excuses in the back of your mind. But you feel slightly happy at the reveal.

So does Kanji Tatsumi, your sagely knowledge whispers.

---

You cannot help but to draw comparison between yourself and the rest of your team.

Yousuke wants to play hero. He wants to get out from the backwater lifestyle of Inaba. He wants something interesting to happen. He is sick from being associated with Junes, and is judged because of his father being Junes' general manager. He tends to get himself into trouble, he tends to be a dick. Still, he's genuine, deep inside. Everyone likes him once they know the real him, since he's actually a good person. Or at least they pretend to, like Konishi.

Chie wants to have control over Yukiko. She does not want to lose Yukiko, for Yukiko is her best friend. She has a high sense of justice, although sometimes her actions, especially towards a certain Junes boy, are far from justice itself. She's strong, though, and you know that you can always depend on her. Everyone likes her, despite of her thinking that Yukiko's the main cause for people to get to know her.

Yukiko wants to run away. She's tired of her future being laid in front of her, determined even before her birth. She wants to have control over herself; she wants her prince to take her away. But it turns out that she doesn't really want all that. She loves the inn so much, and it's generally accepted that the line dividing hate and love is extremely fine. Everyone likes her, for she's the embodiment of perfect Japanese lady, save for her laughing fits.

Kanji wants to be accepted. He's tired of being misjudged, tired of being ridiculed for his less-than-masculine hobbies. He resorts to violence and likes to play rough, but he's a sweet, sensitive man inside. He is confused, sexually, and it looks like that it will take some time before he realises what he wants to be. He makes the cutest of dolls. Not everyone likes him, but they do, once they get to know the real him. The boy does. Your team does.

Rise wants to be herself. She does not want to be sexualised, forced to play a personality she doesn't know. She thinks that she wants to get out from the showbiz, to be finally looked upon as Rise Kujikawa, not as Risette the idol. But at the end, she turns back to the entertainment industry, acknowledging that Risette is just another facet of herself. And everyone likes Rise, both as Rise and Risette, and who knows how many other Rises.

Teddie wants to find himself. He's confused as to what he is, and he wonders over his origin. He wants to know what he is, despite himself covering up the fact that he is a mere shadow trying to be liked by humans. He is naïve, constantly throwing around words like scoring a hot stud, probably not really knowing what it means. He can be annoying, but he also can give you warm and fuzzy feeling inside. He sparkles. Everyone likes him, as a bear and as a person.

Naoto wants to be a boy. She thinks that her gender is a major obstacle, but it actually isn't. She wants to be an adult and tends to use complex words to create that impression, since she's tires of being shoved due to her youth. She thinks that people only use her for her intelligence, and after her service is no longer needed, she'll be pushed aside. She forgets her reason for being a detective, but she later finds it back. Everyone likes her, the famous detective prince, even if it's only for her insight and investigation skills alone.

You does not know what you want. You know what other people want from you, your saintly understanding tells what you need to know and your enthralling expression makes everything you do seems sincere. Everyone likes you, only when you are the perfect Souji Seta. Not as your true self―whom even you do not know.

It feels ironic. You help other people to be true to themselves, while you are hiding behind your enthralling expression, doing what your saintly understanding and heroic courage and rock solid diligence tell you to do.

---

She asks about you. About your life before Inaba, and everything. Something that everyone else don't bother to do, since they're too occupied in their own business. You feel happy, knowing that she's interested, that she actually bothers to ask.

It's a newfound feeling for you.

---

Sometimes you wonder if Yousuke and Chie will stop dragging others into their personal warfare. You want to kick them in the nads, but no, your saintly understanding firmly states no despite of your heroic courage preparing itself into action. It tells you that the culture festival will be more fun if everyone is involved, in whatever form. And you should cling to your supportive role, as you have always done.

You faithfully listen to the small fight the team has over the pageants, Yousuke claiming that it's only for fun and the popular ladies should get in and Chie gets angry and claims that it's only he rebuttal and Naoto rejects to appear. And Kanji telling her that he wants her to be in, to make him a man, as he says.

You feel insulted.

---

The more you get to know her, the more you are intrigued. You want to know her better, for she attracts your attention more than anyone else. You feel that both of you are similar, hiding behind a tough wall, living under a lie in order to make everyone happy.

You do not want her to turn into you―a hollow, artificial being.

You try your best to tell her that it's alright to be a girl, it's fine to embrace her own femininity. She doesn't have to live under that façade, not anymore. You do this against what your saintly understanding tells you, that you should tell her that it does not matter whether she's a girl or a boy. You don't want to tell her lies fabricated so that she can feel happy, you don't want to. You want to tell her the truth of what you feel towards her.

You want her to know that you love her, a feeling that you develop after knowing the real her.

You don't care if people say that you're misogynist. All that matter to you, is for her to be free of her façades. To be herself, to embrace herself. And not becoming another you. It's not like that you want her to accept herself to re-assert your own manliness, you argued. It's for her, so that she does not become like you―a fake.

At the back of your mind, you can feel your saintly understanding sighs, as it becomes motherly. Your courage sings triumph, as it ascends into more than heroic. You smile, genuinely, for the first time, letting your enthralling expression takes a backseat.

---

It becomes obvious. Painfully obvious.

It does not take a genius to know that someone is having a crush. And nobody does it more obviously rather than a certain bleached-haired punk. He stutters everytime he sees Naoto, blushes wildly and looking away and unable to say things properly. It is even the thought of she is a boy that triggers his shadow to be a gay, you know that much.

Kanji crushes on Naoto.

Your motherly understanding returns after an absence, telling you that you should be supporting Kanji, as you have always done. You should put yourself aside, like you always do all the time, and let him pursue his first crush without fear of a rival―you. Since he's one of your best friend: bros before hos.

You turn into your more than heroic courage. It's deadly silent. You feel betrayed.

Then, you only can put on a supporting mask using your enthralling expression, while letting your motherly understanding to take the throne once more, becoming saintly again. And your courage, returns to its previous state.

---

It is a knife. She is in danger. Someone unknown is trying to harm her.

There's no way that you can let her being harmed, not in front of you. It's enough that you feel powerless whenever she's burned, electrocuted, frozen, stabbed, killed in the shadow world. You can heal her using your personae there, you can try to revive her there. But not in this real, harsher world.

You step forward, protecting her―your secret love.

Turns out, everything is not as you think before. The knife's fake. The mysterious man is her aide, not someone bent on hurting her. You feel silly, but what's important is that she's safe. And the fact that the situation, all looks far too good to be true for a heartfelt confession.

But no, you can't. Your saintly understanding demands you to cling unto your promise, to be in line with your role. You are not supposed to love her, it tells you, she's never yours to begin with. She deserves better person, not someone like you. And you should be helping Kanji with his crush. It's your role as a good friend and wise senior.

You grit your teeth.

You gathered all your courage, and put on a mask. You tell her, that it's because she's an extremely important friend. And it's true, a friend so important, because you love her. For who she is.

---

You have a strange dream. You wrestle against Naoto, using a luchador mask. It is a strange dream, but you are happy, nevertheless. You can be with her, even when the situation is the strangest, you don't care. It's her, it's all that matters.

But when you wake up, you feel empty―knowing that everything is just a dream.

---

You stand at the sideline, watching Kanji crushing on Naoto. He's still as shy, not daring to make an attempt. Unlike you, who help her with her cases and try to do something. But you know, that you cannot cross the line. Kanji's your friend. You're his friend. Friends are supposed to help one another, and friendship shall triumph in the end.

But again, you cannot help but to wonder, what has he done for you. Why it must always be you, you, and you―who takes the backseat and makes the sacrifice. Why you cannot be more assertive, why you can't be selfish, only for this one chance. Is this what friendship is, for you to be the one who always gives, and they to always receive?

You turn into your saintly understanding and sagely knowledge, expecting to find and answer. They fall into silence.

Your rock solid diligence breaks the silence, whispering to you to persevere. Only for a little while longer, it says.

You ask, how long?

Forever, it mutters darkly, almost incoherent, and excuses itself, hiding in the darkest corner of your mind.

Then you wonder, how long is forever?

Noone dares to answer.

---

You hide behind your enthralling expression once more, and continue to smile that perfect lie.


End file.
